i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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