Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
