dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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