my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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