"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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