I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Randomize
