he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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