I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I faked an abortion last night.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
