is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
