I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Randomize
