woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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