i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
This toilet bowl is my home.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
