I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
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