I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
