Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Randomize
