I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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