just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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