Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
