She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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