My liver just broke up with me...
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Four minutes until I can fart!
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
