so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
