I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
