i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
