There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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