god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Having a random hookup so left but love u
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
