I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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