Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
