i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Randomize
