no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Holy sore nipples Batman
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
