I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
