tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
