I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
