dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
did you just send me my own nude
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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