She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
