What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I need to stop coming to work sober
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
