when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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