just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
