i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
