Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
