woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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