I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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