If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
