just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
