We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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