My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
