i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Randomize
