then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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