She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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