just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
