my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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